A small moment at a training in Slovenia.
One evening at the International Intensive Training (IIT) in Slovenia, one of my fellow trainers was playing music. It was getting late, almost time for dinner. People were dancing and enjoying themselves. A little boy came into the room during the last song and joined in, dancing with delight.
Then the music stopped. The trainer began packing up his things, getting ready to head to dinner. I was sitting next to him.
The boy came over and said, “Hey, can you play again? Can you play another song?”
The trainer looked stricken. It was clear he wanted to go to dinner. He and the other adults nearby glanced at each other. Then another trainer said, “How could you say no to that face?”
“It’s easy,” the boy responded immediately. “You just say no.”
We were gobsmacked. He was right.
The trainer nodded and told him he didn’t want to play another song right then. He wanted to go to dinner.
“Okay,” said the boy. He danced away with his mom to the next activity.
We sat there, all of us long-time trainers of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), still marveling at how stuck we had felt about saying no to this child. In hindsight, it was so clear and easy.
I don’t know what was happening inside the boy. What I saw was a child who could ask for what he wanted and accept another person’s no. He did not seem afraid of hearing no.
As adults, we carry layers of shoulds and stories about what a no would mean. We may fear that our own no will hurt someone or that someone else’s no means we don’t matter. Sometimes we do all of that thinking before we even make a request.
I started wondering what our relationships might be like if we trusted each other to ask freely and answer honestly. If I trust that you can say no, I can ask for what I really want, and if you trust that I can hear no, you can give an honest answer. A no can be disappointing and still leave room for care.
What might become possible if we didn’t try to manage one another’s responses before we even dared to ask?
I know that kind of trust isn’t always easy. Many of us have learned, through painful experience, that saying no can have consequences and that asking for what we want can feel risky. Still, I keep thinking about that little boy and how much freedom we might find if we gave ourselves and each other room for an honest answer.
And I’m wondering about you.
In your experience
What are you longing to ask for but holding back because you're afraid of hearing no?
Where are you saying yes when you really want to say no because you're afraid of the other person's reaction?
What might change for you if you trusted that you and the other person would still be okay, whatever the answer was?
An invitation
If you would like company with these questions, join me for our last free Q&A of the year. Bring whatever your ordinary life is handing you right now, such as a boundary you are trying to hold or a conversation you are avoiding.
Living NVC Q&A: NVC on a Tuesday. Saturday, December 5th, 9 to 10 am Pacific. Free and online.
Register here.
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